Its past midnight in the beginning of June 09. I'm at my desk doing homework, and I'm almost going to turn in. I realized I have not been updating and this will be a really long journal entry as I try my best to sum up all that has happened so far in life.

Its been about a couple of years since I've officially "worked". I've had the privilege or in a way, the burden of meeting many people from all walks of life in the small CG community in Singapore. Some are old friends, most are new people I've bumped into, and they've all taught me a myriad of things, from technical stuff, philosophical insights as well as the mildly controversial business insights of the industry.

I'm an optimistic person by nature, despite some of my past journal entries. However, as I am reaching entry point into the workforce, It seems that the very industry itself is one of the most cruel and grim places I've ever seen, even more so than the compulsory military service I had to serve.

But of course, "grim" and "cruel" are perspectives of mine. Maybe I say that because I'm looking at it from the bottom of the food chain, a friend of mine who is doing very well would say that the CG industry is "righteous" and "fair" because it rewards the disciplined and punishes those who fall behind.

I used to take a side in this argument, but as I said, I've met many people, talked to them, seen them in action, witnessed some of the noble sacrificial things they have done, as well as witnessed some actions that are downright horrible, the kind of stuff that makes you lose faith in people. It would be unfair of me to say such things without confessing that I might too have been responsible for doing some horrible things to others, knowingly or unknowingly.

Its very much like in Watchmen, where there are no inherent "evil" characters, just a bunch of people working hard towards their goals, I call it the "Runner's dilemma".

Imagine there is a long distant run. There are many people running in the race. They all have their reasons for wanting to participate. Some are there for the sake of keeping fit, some are there, because their friends are there, some may be there because they were not given a choice, of course there will be some who are running a race in order to win. There are 3 prizes that will be given out, for the 1st, the 2nd, and the 3rd.

During the run, things change. People interact. Some people who were simply running for fun might discover they have exceptional stamina, speed and suddenly decide to fight for the top spot. Some who maybe trained hard and prepared prior to the run may find that despite their preparations, they are still lacking, and have to choose if they just want to finish the race or still try to fight for their original goal of getting into the top.

Some people in the process of running, will befriend and talk to another runner. They realize that running in a group brings about an inner strength and support that pushes them beyond what they might be capable of. They will run together, and talk and share and motivate one another to go on.

There will also be people who run the race, who for reasons unknown, feel a desperate need to have to win the race. Running primarily is a form of exercise that is used to strengthen the body and keep fit. The concept of a race was invented by people as a way to measure each other up. To these people, the importance of measuring up and winning, outweighs the importance of keeping fit. It would be easy to dismiss these people as "bad" or "evil", but they have their reasons, perhaps they need the prize money to bring food home on the table?

Why I think the concept of a race is "grim" and "cruel" is not because I didn't win, neither is it because I feel sympathy for the guy that comes in last, but simply because there are many many runners, but only 3 prizes. Most runners, will discover this truth, and will have to decide if they want to change their motives or priorities so that they will be spared the heartbreak.

Those who run with others in groups, will soon realize the cruel truth that despite all the support thats being passed all around, in the end, someone is not going make it through, someone who gave his best shot may simply be helping those who outlast him. The politically correct answer would be to say, "If my friend succeeds, I'll feel happy for him." Which is true only if your friend succeeded in winning a pie-eating competition. Many a times, I see many good friends of mine overtake me, and believe me when I say I'm really happy for them, but also a part of me wishes very much that it was the other way round instead.

Knowing the kind of mindset I must adopt, the sacrifices I need to make, as well as the deceptions and trickery that I might have to adhere to in order to survive, it makes me kind of sad to ponder about it. Its naive to think of a situation where "everyone wins", and I guess its due to the selfishness that is inherent in human nature. The word "Selfish" always had a negative feel to it, but when you see a mother steal food from a starving baby to feed her own, she's selfish yes, but who can say that they would not do the same thing in her place?

Pondering on this matter left me with melancholy in my head for a while, like many others in my profession, I'm running in a race with everyone, the finishing line is not really in sight, so I enjoy myself, I talk to others, I meet new people, but deep down, I dread the day that comes when I have to make tough decisions that would potentially affect another, especially my friends.

Thankfully, there is a cure for this problem.

A few days ago, I got my hands on this anime called "K-on". I've heard about it, but I did not watch it, cause there were girls in it, but no fanservice, so i dismissed it as another girly show, but after watching the 1st episode, I was hooked and its now the marijuanna (weed) of my soul. No matter how depressed or dejected I get, all I needed was to watch one episode of this delightful, cute girly anime and all the hurt would go away. I've been watching anime for 20 years (not alot though) and although Princess Tutu is still the all time fav, K-On is officially the cutest anime I've ever seen, even Digi Charat is not as sugary. I've posted some videos below as reference.

[link] <--- Opening.

[link] <--- Ending (I love this one!)

[link] <--- Monster Hunter Fans will like this too.

[link] <--- The answer to World Peace

On other news, Idolm@ster is coming out on the Nintendo DS! >_< After the CG industry, Namco Bandai is the next most cruel and evil thing I know of. ---> [link]

The main lead (Hidaka Ai) looks like my wife, except she's 13! *A*

Things are still ok so far, another 5 more months before I plunge into the cut-throat industry, till then, I will enjoy the diabetic K-on and keep on training! I've posted an update of my current stuff here: [link]

Thanks for reading!